I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
