I murdered the dance floor call the cops
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
