A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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