If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
