what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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