What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
