The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
