all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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