ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
