I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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