In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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