HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
