she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
