My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
