seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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