I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
