Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
