my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Can you bring me the toilet please
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
