you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
