The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
