I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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