well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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