She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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