Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You're like the curious george of whores
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
