I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
