also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
