Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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