Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
