My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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