There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
