look no pants
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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