Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
