just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
