i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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