i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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