Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Alive.
So much puke
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
