You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
