I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
