I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
