Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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