Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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