well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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