When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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