life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
