I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
