I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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