I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
God I need to hump something, right now.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
