I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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