So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
please come you make the beer taste better
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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