Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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