I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
