i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
