I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
