I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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