saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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