My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
