I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
