drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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