can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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