I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
