Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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